The main event, the aftermath

After a quick, intense and stalled labor, Lydia was delivered by emergency C-section.

Once the decision was made and the consent forms signed, I made a strange transition from an active role to passive one: where before I had been the one doing the work of getting this child born, I found myself suddenly being worked upon. I was point A, and the doctor and nurses were working swiftly to get Lydia out into the open air: point B.

This was not how I’d envisioned giving birth.

In the first week after Lydia was born, I cried a lot. I cried because I was happy and overwhelmed just looking at this new little creature who came from nothing. I cried because I was exhausted and hormonal, but I also cried because I’d lost something in the process of gaining her: there was that one swift glimpse of her face in the operating room, and then I didn’t see her again until some time later, when she was bathed and bundled up and she was brought to me to hold. It felt like I was merely borrowing her from the nurse, like I would have to give her back.

But she was whole. That’s what I am reminded of again and again, when I get to feeling too acutely sorry for myself: she is beautiful and healthy and safe, and I am borrowing her. One day I will have to give her back. That is a hard fact of marriage, of family and also, I’m finding, of parenthood. We cannot posses these people that we love, and neither should we desire to: God gives them to us for a while to love, and then he calls them back.

For the fact that he’s given us Lydia, I am grateful, and I am learning to be grateful that he’s given her to us in his way. Truthfully, that is the only way I would hope for.


7 thoughts on “The main event, the aftermath

  1. Rebecca

    You know, I had a c-section with my first, too! It was kind of upsetting for the first while, most definitely. But your baby sounds WONDERFUL.

  2. Cheri Mallahan

    Isn’t it amazing that God trust us with these little people? And you are so right – we are just borrowing them. I just hope that when we do have to give them back to Him that He will be pleased with the job we have done 🙂

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